Today I have the honor of introducing my book THE AMOROUS EDUCATION OF CELIA SEATON, which makes its bow to society tomorrow. To explain how this book came about, I’ll go back a few months to a scene in this very ballroom when I presented the lead characters to Lady B. (without whose approval I would not dare conceive a story – she’s a bit like my editor that way)

<squawk>

Yes, you too, Albert.

LADY B. Before we speak, let me finish this spiked ratafia. {Swallows} Miranda, the book sounds as though it might be rather risqué.

I do hope so.

Lady B. Never let it me said I’m not in favor educating gels. My dear late father the duke always insisted I learned the useful arts, such as dancing, flirting, and overhearing gossip in five languages.

 

<squawk> Rutsch mir doch den Buckel runter! <squawk>

 

LADY B. Hush, Albert. None of your sauce. Miranda, dear. Tell me about Miss Seaton’s education.

My plan is that Celia will acquire a good deal of useful knowledge from a slim volume called The Genuine Amours.

LADY B. Ooh. It sounds French. One learns so much about love from the French.

 

<squawk> Baissez la plume de ma tante <squawk>

And Tarquin Compton will be more than happy to fill in any gaps.

LADY B. Of course, Mr. Compton. His mother was my sister-in-law’s cousin.

Allow me to present him to you. Tarquin is the best dressed man in London and a discerning critic of fashion, for both gentlemen and ladies.

TARQUIN Delighted, ma’am.

 

LADY B. {aside} He has very muscular thighs. {To Tarquin} What do you think of my peacock gloves?

 

TARQUIN I’m sure you’d rather not know.

 

<squawk> Ha bisogno di un calcio in culo! <squawk>

 

LADY B. Quite right, Albert. So, Mr. Compton. Tell me about Miss Celia Seaton.

 

TARQUIN I’m afraid I’m unacquainted with the lady.

 

LADY B. Miss Neville. It appears you have misinformed me. The matter bears looking into, but first – hic – I must retire to the retiring room.  {Lady B. wobbles off and accidentally opens the door to a broom closet wherein she discovers a young lady with reddish hair and an unfashionable air} Who are you?

 

CELIA I am Celia Seaton.

 

LADY B. Why are you in the cupboard?

 

CELIA Actually I’m in Yorkshire, slaving away as governess to four rowdy boys, but the lowly closet is my spiritual home. I was brought to this sad pass when Mr. Tarquin Compton compared me to a cauliflower and ruined my chance of marriage.

 

LADY B. {regards her critically} More like a carrot, I’d say. But how can this be, when Mr. Compton denies your acquaintance?

 

CELIA I’ve been introduced to him six times and he never remembers my name.

 

LADY B. Poor dear. In my first season I once suffered the cut direct, but at least it was from a marquess, not an untitled dandy. I assume you’d like revenge. What do you envision?

 

CELIA I’d like to see Tarquin Compton robbed of his clothes and his memory. Then I’d tell him we are engaged and his name is Terence Fish.

Miranda madly takes notes. I’ll see what I can arrange. Anything else?

LADY B. She’s blushing. I think she fancies him.

 

CELIA Then we’d take off across the Yorkshire moors, pursued by desperate villains, and Mr. Compton – er Fish – would turn out to be a kind, steadfast, and honorable man instead of a disdainful creep. Could you make him fall in love with me?

I can do that.

CELIA And then when he regains his memory he’ll still love me and think me the most wonderful woman in the world.

Lady B. sighs, Albert squawks.

Miranda frowns. We may have a problem there. I should think Tarquin would be very angry you’d made a fool of him.

LADY B. Nothing you can’t overcome, Miss N. Start writing.

So you’re both looking for a happy ending? Celia nods

LADY B. Oh l’amour, l’amour. I do enjoy a happy ending.

In the words of the immortal Tim Gunn, I’ll make it work. Anything else you’d like?

CELIA Could you do something about my hair? Also I’d like some entertaining new friends, a handsome rival to make Tarquin jealous, cheese, raspberries, ices, and a bawdy novel.

Miranda keeps scribbling. Is that all?

LADY B.  And piglets. I do think a book is improved by piglets.

 

<squawk> And parrots <squawk>

Miranda puts down her pen.If you want to know whether I managed to meet these requirements, you’ll have to read THE AMOROUS EDUCATION OF CELIA SEATON, available tomorrow from purveyors of printed and electronic books. ( Barnes & Noble  Nook   Amazon   Kindle   iTunes  Book Depository )

You may notice that Celia’s suggestions included certain comestibles. This made me happy since I love to write about food. In my next book, CONFESSIONS FROM AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE, my couple go to France and enjoy some wonderful cuisine. Give me some ideas for the future: what delectable dishes would you like to see, whether for a late supper in the antechamber off the ballroom or a romantic picnic in the countryside? One commenter will win a copy of THE AMOROUS EDUCATION.

 

Under albert, book release, lady b, miranda