Nov
A Handbag! Or pertinent questions, finely crafted.
“My dear Sabrina, I don’t know what to do.”
The loud whisper from the direction of the hallway alarms me. I know that voice. I’ve known it for many years. But what I find most troubling is that Lady B knows that voice and the last time she heard it was when Mary was announcing her plan to hire a mistress for her son.
That silenced the room.
But it hasn’t been the most shocking thing to grace Lady B’s ballroom since she opened it to authoresses this last July. So I take a deep breath and beckon Mary in, because if Lady B has borne our shenanigans this long…
Mary: Sabrina, I need help!
I’m half afraid to speak.
Mary: Tomorrow I conduct my first interview for a mistress and I have no idea of the etiquette for such a situation. Does one ask questions? Require references? I certainly cannot request a demonstration of skills!
Sabrina: Shh! (I look about the ballroom, desperately hoping that no one, not even that potted plant to our right, has heard her.)
Mary: I know, it’s indelicate, but I’ve embarked on this path. What do I do?
Sabrina: I’m not entirely certain why you think that I would have a better idea…
Mary: I’ve read your stories, cousin.
Sabrina: I assure you there is no such scene in anything I have yet written.
Mary: Exactly. Yet.
Sabrina: All right. Let me think.
I quickly google modern approaches to interviewing and hiring: behavioral interviewing (past performance is best indicator of future success), group interviewing (ability to work in a team environment), stress interviewing (rapid-fire questioning or stressful situation)—
Mary: (pacing as I search) I do hope you come up with something. I have heard that keeping a mistress is a terrible expense.
Sabrina: I believe if a man keeps a mistress for his own, as opposed to visiting a courtesan who entertains many men, the cost can be prohibitive. A separate establishment alone, not to mention the dressmaker and jeweler receipts might exceed the expense of a wife.
Mary: I knew you’d understand about these things! Last night, I thought through every example I’ve ever known of a lady attempting to judge the character of a woman interested in her son. I even turned to that memorable scene from Miss Austen’s book for guidance.
Mary: Odd, I don’t quite remember the scene going that way.
Sabrina: Nonetheless, you might very well wish to ask this young lady whether she can dance or sing. Does your son like either of those pursuits? You certainly would wish to choose a woman who shares your son’s interests.
Mary: My Georgie was always quite talented at the pianoforte.
I brace myself for a motherly reminiscence on the talents of her darling son.
Mary: But I am still concerned about this expense. While George has no fears on that account, I can hardly charge this escapade to him. My own finances…well, I could hardly offer carte blanche.
Sabrina: Yes, there should be boundaries, a contract, in fact, delineating the details of your business arrangement.
Mary: A contract, I do like that. Makes it all seem so much less… sordid.
Sabrina: But first you must find the right woman for the job. That clip from Pride and Prejudice reminds me of another interrogation. Perhaps we could turn to Oscar Wilde’s Lady Bracknell for inspiration?
Mary: Who?
Right. I’m forever confusing myself with all these details of time and space.
Sabrina: This is Lady Bracknell, from the play, The Importance of Being Earnest, when she interrogates her daughter’s suitor, Jack. Both clips comprise the entire interview.
Mary: A handbag! Well I hardly think it should matter if this lady were born in a handbag or a barrel. After all, it isn’t as if my son were about to marry her.
<< Squawk! >> Marry! <<Squawk! >>
Sabrina: Heavens forbid, Albert!
Mary: Wait! Is that not the same woman portraying both Lady Bracknell and Lady Catherine?
Sabrina: Yes, that is Dame Judi Dench, an actress of considerable renown.
Mary: Dame, truly?
I nod.
Mary: From her letter, I know the young woman that I interview tomorrow considers herself an actress. I certainly hope she is not as formidable as Dame Judi Dench.
Sabrina: I am certain an actress of skill knows when it is appropriate to make herself formidable. In fact, an actress might be the perfect thing for your son. Only a month or so ago, the fabulous Nell Gwyn visited us here at Lady B’s and she certainly was a woman who knew how to attract a man.
Lady B: Please, Miss Darby, not again.
Uh oh. We’ve been discovered. I shoot a suspicious glance at Albert, who is suddenly nowhere about.
Mary: (with a sniff) In any event, I don’t think she’s quite my Georgie’s style.
Sabrina: Lady B, you do remember my cousin?
Lady B: (dryly) How could I forget?
I’d like nothing more than to back out of the room at the moment and find someplace to hide. However, the problem must be solved. So I put it to all of our inventive and wise friends in the Ballroom. What does one ask a prospective mistress and how does one conduct such a delicate interview?
Nov 21, 2011
1:55 am
Hi Sabrina,
I’m not entirely sure an interview is the way for your cousin to go about this much less even trying to be delicate about it but since she has already set the meeting. I have to wonder will the young lady actually present herself as a potential mistress? Is it on her calling card? I suppose Mary could ask her about her background, her likes, her dislikes (not necessarily referring to the bedroom) and if she’s averse to meeting a less than perfectly shaped man. If she’s kind and sympathetic and possesses a true sincerity of character, it will show. Then if Mary likes her well enough, she might invite her to tea so that her son ‘accidentally’ becomes acquainted with her. Whether or not she becomes his mistress will be entirely decided between the two of them, don’t you think?
What delightful fun!
Nov 21, 2011
10:12 am
Amy, I don’t know that Mary will give her Georgie any say in the matter whatsoever! Poor man. Or fortunate to have such a mother? Perhaps Mary will prove to be very good at this interviewing thing, after all. I like your idea of asking the candidates about general likes and dislikes — talking around the subject, as it were. I wonder too how Mary will come up with a short list of candidates. Will she simply go to the theater and start looking about? What a project she’s put herself to!
Nov 21, 2011
11:00 am
Katherine, I was wondering the same thing about where these candidates are being obtained. Did Mary say where she found this young lady with whom she has an appointment? I don’t suppose they had anything akin to Craig’s List in those days.
If Mary plans to draw her son out, she’d better give him SOME say in the matter once the ‘mistress’ is chosen or there won’t be a mistress at all. It takes two after all. : )
Nov 21, 2011
2:26 pm
As Mary advertised in the paper for a mistress, I certainly hope no unsuspecting woman intent on less *intimate* employment turns up. Perhaps Mary should craft these questions as to make certain that at least none leaves the interview with that erroneous understanding.
I definitely agree that likes and dislikes seem pertinent. Do we think Mary knows her son *that* well?
Nov 21, 2011
6:36 pm
That’s why I said, not necessarily referring to the bedroom. LOL!! I hope no mother knows her son’s bedroom likes and dislikes. Way too much intimacy intimated there between a mother and a son! ; )
I do hope Mary succeeds in her endeavors and that poor Georgie appreciates all her hard work. [sigh] This is a story that should have a most interesting result or disasterous finish. : )
Nov 21, 2011
10:16 am
“I assure you there is no such scene in anything I have yet written.” Methinks there will be shortly.
Sabrina, I think you’re very wise to research proper interviewing techniques. I think “stress interviewing” could be very exciting, and given George’s emotional straits, that sort of thing may be just right for revealing the suitable woman for his temperament. But I’m not sure Mary is the proper person for that task, although she *is* remarkably determined to do this right, isn’t she?
Nov 21, 2011
2:28 pm
Nov 21, 2011
10:31 am
Oh, I think she should grill her like a steak. Where was she born? How educated is she? Can she read? Does she LIKE to read? Does she dance, play an instrument, have political views, know all the latest fashions? A mistress isn’t merely for bedplay, but to entertain and intrigue. I think Lady Mary needs to make sure her son has only the very best -like the famous courtesans of old, from Venice. She doesn’t have to be conventional beautiful, but should have personality and wit! Good luck, Lady Mary, and may Boldness be thy friend. ;D
Nov 21, 2011
2:30 pm
Like a steak, haha!
Mary: Thank you, Miss Kelly for the kind words. I only hope that this time next year, this venture shall have proven wise and George is the one in London hunting for a wife!
Nov 21, 2011
11:48 am
My main question for her would be how she came to be a mistress. Was it due to her family falling into hard times? Or did she grow up in poor circumstances and thought it was the only way to try to make a better life for herself?
In any interview it is important that both parties be upfront about their expectations, so Mary will have to clearly lay out what she expects of the mistress(interests in common with her son, personality and temperament, etc), and the mistress will have to let Mary know what she requires in terms of accomodations, money, jewelry etc.
Nov 21, 2011
2:32 pm
Oh very good idea, Lisa. I do think the prospective employee’s path to this rather scandalous career would be enlightening as to her character. Is there a chance she came to it willingly? Always dreamed of being a mistress?
Nov 21, 2011
12:26 pm
Thanks for the clips from “The Importance of Being Earnest”. Colin never looked better than he did in that movie. Nobody wears Regency clothes like him. This plot reminds me of Gaelen’s book THE DUKE. I’m sure the candidate for mistress will end up being George’s wife.
Nov 21, 2011
9:24 pm
I haven’t actually seen the entirety of this version of the play but if it’s on netflix, I’ll be seeing it this weekend!
Nov 21, 2011
6:57 pm
I think Mary needs recommendations. Frankly, she is not in a position to judge the candidates’ – er – skills. Does she have some jolly, slightly disreputable bachelor cousin or nephew she could consult?
Nov 21, 2011
9:26 pm
Mary: I am not certain there is any male relative or acquaintance of mine I could entrust with such a delicate and discreet task. After all, I hardly wish all of London to know what I have done!
(I don’t think my cousin realizes that Lady B’s Ballroom is very well attended.)
Nov 21, 2011
9:01 pm
Well, in my simple (male) opinion, there’s really just one question that matters, isn’t there? Will the woman applying for the position do her best to make Mary’s son happy?
Nov 21, 2011
9:27 pm
I think that is an excellent question. And she’ll have to be able to destroy any of George’s defenses, if he does prove to be as difficult as his mother suggests.
Nov 22, 2011
1:35 am
First of all, clearly Dame Judi must play Mary in the film adaptation. No one plays an old baggage (er, handbag) better.
Secondly, I really would not want to be in Mary’s shoes! Assessing a woman’s ability to please her own son in bed? Oh dear. Talk about awkward.
But on a purely practical note, I’m sure she would want to make sure that the woman in question was physically healthy. That she would not lie, cheat, blackmail, gamble, steal, etc – and above all, she would want to choose a woman who would not develop any fanciful romantic notions of falling in love.