Last year I bribed Albert to give me a sneak-peek at Lady B’s Christmas letter. I discovered that our esteemed hostess was not above embellishing the news of her myriad relations in order to provide her friends with sensational Christmas morning reading. This year she kept Albert locked up and I was forced to recruit Monty and Harold as spies. While Monty had his latest black eye attended to, Harold swiped Lady B’s draft and brought it to me hidden in his large toucan’s beak.
The sheet of paper was a little chewed up so I wasn’t sure I had read everything correctly. Until I discovered a copy of People magazine that one of the Authoresses had brought through the time-space continuum and left in the downstairs water closet. It appears that Lady B has been drawing on outside inspiration.
We can only guess which version of the various on dits will make the cut. I will let the Ballroom denizens make their choices and attempt to influence the final decision.
My cousin the Countess of Fecundlake was lately brought to bed. Since the last time I saw her she had swollen to the size of a small pony, I was not surprised to learn she had given birth to triplets, all daughters, much to the distress of Lord F.
My cousin Ferdie Moylan-Hazwell (pronounced Marzipan-Hatbox for those ignorant of the English language) recently made a surprising announcement.
Gels these days have no idea how to behave. In my day we merely danced, flirted, and exchanged opinion on the legs of the best-looking rakes.
It has come to my attention that a group of dandies held a contest to decide on the most fashionably garbed lady in London.
Seriously readers. Do we have any doubt who Lady B will pick for the last one?
Lady B: Miss Neville?
Miranda: Yes, Lady B. (I thrust the Toucan-mangled letter into my reticule)
Lady B: Do you know the Duchess of Cambridge? Prinny’s brother Adolphus married Princess Augusta of Hesse-Cassel. The dear princess has no notion of color and goes in for Excessive Flounces. Not well-dressed at all. And to my knowledge she has never been known as Kate.
<squawk> pert bosoms <squawk>
Miranda: Kate, though a Noble name, doesn’t sound very Hesse-Cassel to me.
Lady B: What about Miss Victoria Beckham?
Miranda: She used to be a Spice Girl, runs a dress designing business and is married to a soccer player.
Lady B: What is soccer? Don’t answer that. The woman is In Trade and Does Not Count. I am not worried.
Miranda: What were you worried about?
Lady B: Nothing. Not a thing. I must go. I have a letter to write.
What’s the most exciting news that will/would appear in your Christmas letter this year?